Singing with the peace of suicide?

I have to write this as my feelings are still so raw and real.

I lost a friend and co-worker Monday night. We were told Tuesday afternoon. My Tuesday started like this:

I was up at 4:30 a.m. as I usually am to prepare for my morning school bus route. I don't like to rush around in the morning, so I get up plenty early to walk the dogs, prepare a decent breakfast, have time to eat my breakfast, do my hair and makeup, get dressed and leave the house by 6:00 a.m. Nothing unusual on Tuesday. This is exactly what I did.

As I was in the midst of my morning bus route, a call on the CB radio came through from our county supervisor. He called out to my immediate supervisor and requested that he call him on his cell phone as quickly as he could. My supervisor agreed to pull over (he had his own bus route) and give him a phone call. Nothing more from them was heard over the radio. About 20 minutes later, I was dropping off my first load of children at the school and another call came in over the radio. "Upper Elementary to Bus 29. Upper Elementary to Bus 29." Bus 29 never responded. A few minutes later, "Upper Elementary to Bus 59 (my supervisor)." My supervisor responded, "59, go ahead." "Yes, sir. We have parents calling in asking where Bus 29 is. He is late."

Silence.

A few minutes later, my supervisor came on the radio saying, "High school, middle school, upper and lower elementary schools: Bus 29 will be late. The route will be run but they will arrive late." My immediate thought was that Bus 29's driver overslept. They were able to phone him and get him started on his route. I didn't think anything more of it.

Later in that day, I had to take my school bus to the bus barn, as we call it, to fuel it up with gas. As I drove into the parking lot, I saw Bus 29 itself sitting there. I thought, "Oh, he's in there getting chewed out for being late this morning. He won't be in a good mood on his afternoon route." I went on and fueled my bus and headed to line up at the first school. We all have our assigned areas for our buses so that the children know where to get on. We all pulled up and were waiting on Bus 29. Sure enough, here it arrives ....but there is a different driver. I wondered, "Where is he? That scolding must have been bad if he's not taking his afternoon route."

As we were waiting on the bell to dismiss the children, my supervisor came up and introduced me and the others to the new driver. We were all cordial and shook his hand and told him our names. One of the other drivers asked, "Where is Ken?" Our supervisor lowered his head and said, "He passed away last night."

We were all in shock. One driver thought it was a joke, but quickly realized he wasn't laughing. He didn't go into any detail and left us to mull over all of the why's, what happened, was he ill and didn't tell us? Was it a sudden heart attack?

From the very beginning, my gut told me the worst....suicide. I kept thinking back.....Friday, Ken was jovial and laughing and cutting up with the rest of us as usual. Monday afternoon, he never got out of his bus to join us while we waited on the kids. Monday, I kept having this thought run through my head, "Go say, Hi, how are you?" "Go speak to him and say, Hi." "Go poke your head in the door of the bus and say, Hello." I never did. I got distracted by all the others talking, the bell rang and the kids trotted out to the buses. His kids loaded on his bus. My kids loaded on mine, and off we went on our routes. That was Monday afternoon.

What happened between Friday afternoon and Monday afternoon and the moment that gun went off? We all asked that question. Our supervisor said he viewed the videotape from the bus (security reasons for having them) to see if there was anything that happened on the bus that might shed some light on what he was going through. Nothing. In fact, after his last drop off, he started singing and sang all the way home. "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound. That saved a wretch like me......"

Singing? Was he already at peace with what he was going to do later on that he felt like singing all the way home?

I've been going through the what-ifs. What if I did go speak to him on Monday afternoon? Would it have made the slightest difference? I'm not that vain to think it would have made a difference. I don't think my speaking to him really would have changed anything.....I have to think that way, otherwise I will torment myself for not heeding my gut instinct to say Hello to him on Monday afternoon. I am so sorry that I didn't....so very sorry.

I can only pray that his soul is now at peace, at rest. Rest in His arms, my friend. We all will miss you.

#death #suicide #peace #singing #gutinstinct #schoolbus